Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The hardest decision ever

These photos are terrible... but they're all we have

this is not a smile... it just looks like it could be... trust me it's not.

this is a smile, notice who she's sitting with...
She is very serious
This was the medical office... it's so crowded and smelly... really smelly

i have dreamed about meeting my daughter for over a decade. It has been a journey to say the least. I dealt with RHS (reluctant husband syndrome) switching country programs, changing to the Waiting Child Program delays and then meeting her... When we met Libbie we knew immediately something was terribly wrong. Libbie had multiple special needs on her referral. One was very clear and two others were vague descriptions. We requested additional information, but the answers just never came. Our fears we realized when we looked her little body. I have been crippled by fear these last few days as we have searched for answers. We did not sign the adoption papers. We requested an evaluation by an independent western physician. The following day we went into the city to meet with a reputable orthopedic surgeon. She had x-rays in the morning, then we waited six hours to meet with the doctor. After a two minute exam and review of the x-rays, he diagnosed her. He said her condition was very rare and serious and not correctable. In the next thirty seconds he told us that she will probably never walk without assistance. We have not slept in two days. We have been on the phone at all hours of the night with our agency, Texas Children's International adoption center etc. We have cried until we are numb. we have questioned God as to why we are in this situation and what good could possibly come from this. We don't know have no idea what the future holds or how we will meet her needs. We made our decision together after two excruciating days of grief.

I can talk a big talk about faith, but honestly I have never had to step out in faith. I've never really had to trust in Him. Life has always been pretty easy for me. I've never truly sacrificed. Thoughts raced through my mind about how life will change for us. All the what if's crept in and clouded my vision. Lambert and I kept asking each other, Why us? Why is this happening to us, this isn't fair... at 3:00am one morning, we both said, why not us? It came down to a true matter of faith. we both knew God called us to this child and we knew that we that we were at a cross road. Its funny that recently we have heard several messages at church regarding cross roads. They're in front of us daily... my way or God's way... it's a choice and usually I choose my way... it's the truth. I have to admit I was pretty mad at God. But, when we made the decision a complete peace came over me. A weight was lifted and I knew we could move forward no matter what. He is with us and will be with us. It's amazing the peace that can come in the storm. I have chosen my will instead of His at one other major cross road in my life and it haunts me to this day. He is Abba and delivers the peace.

Now, moving forward... she can't stand the sight of me... She is smitten with her daddy and gives me the look of death. She will go to strangers (men) but will not come to me. She screams like she is being tortured if Lambert leaves the room. She is strong willed and determined . She is brave and fearful all at the same time. I just wonder what runs through her little mind. She eats more than two grown men and will take food out of Hoots hands if she can get away with it. Her medical exam was this morning and she weighed in at a wopping 19lbs! nothing I brought fits her. 18 monts pants fall to her knees and 2t shirts hang past her wrists. She is a fast little mover with her walker, it's hilarious. She loves to do things herself, but she loves to cuddle up with her daddy too. We are in love and totally taken by this pint sized fire cracker. She has great lungs. I think the people in the room next to us moved and now it's vacant. I am certain everyone on the 9th floor has heard her sweet voice!!!

38 comments:

  1. Tears fill my eyes as I read this, oh what a journey you guys are on......you and Lambert are so strong and have an abiding faith that amazes your dad and I.....that's why you.....God knew you would not give up on this little angel....I know you have had a rollercoaster ride of emotions this week, your dad wanted so bad to be there for you. She is a precious, precious little toot! She will come around with you.....Hey, remember how smitten you were with Lambert in the beginning (and still are)....you couldn't get enough of him, so who can blame her!
    Our hearts and thoughts are with you all the way......Can't wait to see those KIDS of yours! Much Love, Denise

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is beautiful...God Bless you and your family, he will get you through and over all the bumps in the road ahead.
    Have a Blessed Day!
    Linda

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh sweet Shelley...My gut told me something was going on. I have been praying and praying and praying for you all. I told Dave 100 times...something is going on...I just know it. First, I am so amazed at your faith...you are walking the walk. I KNOW that God did choose y'all for a reason. God will bless you. He blesses the faithful. it will be hard. I can see that it IS hard right now. But you can rest in HIM. You have my constant prayers. And I am counting down the days ( 1 week)! until I see you in the airport:)


    Kim

    ReplyDelete
  4. Those pictures of her with Stephen are SO sweet- she looks right at home. And I'm sure she'll have sweet pictures with you too when things calm down for her!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Shelley,
    I am praying for you and your family. What an amazing story of faith. I can't wait to see how God shows his faithfulness to you as you have been faithful to Him. This road of adoption is not easy or for the weak at heart. He never promised it would be easy...but oh, so worth it. Praying your sweet girl starts to open her heart to her Mommy...she will.

    Jennifer

    ReplyDelete
  6. There is no doubt in my mind that Libbie is right where she is meant to be! (BTW...I can't quit crying!) She will come around to you...believe me she WILL!!!! Jesse was the same way and look at him!
    Have you seen her dad????? Who wouldn't be smitten with him!!! God works in wonderful surprising ways. You have all of us to help you guys get through anything!!!! I love you and miss you!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I forgot to say....she is beautiful!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I wish I could give you a big hug right now!!! Thank you for sharing this and we are praying for you guys. I love you and cannot wait to meet your precious daughter!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hugs to you my friends! Thanks for keeping us updated. How amazing is our God! He chose Libbie for you and you for her! God bless you all as you come together at a family. The rest of your family is waiting her to welcome her home and to love on y'all. She is beautiful!! Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am back. I have gotten on my knees to pray for you ALL. And I too forgot to mention how absolutely BEAUTIFUL Miss Libbie is!!!! I mean seriously, she is darling. I LOVE the last photo how she is leaning into her Daddy. I also love her sitting next to Hoot in the bed:)


    Kate and I cannot wait to see you all in exactly one week:)

    Love,
    Kim

    ReplyDelete
  11. I thought something might be going on because you hadn't posted since you got her. I've been checking everyday. I sit here with tears from reading your post. She is beautiful! I'm really happy that you made the decision to move forward with her. God brought you to her and her to you for a reason. He wanted you to be her family, and He'll work things out for His glory. My little one ate like that too. She has gained 10 lbs and grown 5 inches since September. It's amazing what love and family can do for these children. She will get much stronger and thrive in your care. God bless you. I'll be praying for you and for her.
    Shan
    theroadtoraeanna.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  12. We are praying for you all... God is no doubt at work! Check out First Samuel 9 when you get a chance. God is writing an amazing story. Everyone involved is being touched by your obedience. We love you guys and your awesome family!
    Doug and Gail

    ReplyDelete
  13. Woops... Second Samuel 9! First Samuel might help too, but Second samuel is what I meant.
    Doug :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ive been checking for this post evry day, waiting to see your joyous first moments with your daughter and now my heart aches for you and the week you have had. Trust that God has you in His hands and knows what He is doing! There is plenty of time for countless joyous moments to come. Libbie is so lucky to have you. Enjoy your time in china getting to know each other and we cant wait to see all of you next week. Love, the Bargers

    ReplyDelete
  15. I've been keeping up with you guys by reading your blog. We've been praying for y'all daily. Libbie is precious!!! I'm so glad to see your family complete, we've been waiting a long time for that! She will take to you, she's been through a lot. Just know that you and Stephen will provide her a much better home than she would have ever known there. I'm sure Owen is having a blast!! We love you guys and miss you tons!! So good to see y'all!

    -Shahla M.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Shelley,
    Kim sent out a prayer request for you this morning and the link to your blog. First I want to say Congratulations on your very beautiful Libbie!
    And, secondly I want to thank you for sharing your heart in this difficult post. It is evident that this child was chosen for you... God challenged you to see that at 3:00 in the morning in a hotel room in China. Adoption is truly a faith journey. Soon you will begin to understand why this precious child was born to be your daughter. You will soon realize that she will teach you more about yourself, than you will ever teach her. God would not trust this child to you if He didn't have a plan for all of you. Yes, I appreciate the common saying that God does not give us more than we can handle. But, honestly I think it should really be, God doesn't give us more than HE can handle! Be encouraged that the Bible reminds us 365 times, "Do Not Be Afraid!" It also teaches us that He will not leave us or forsake us when we think He has forgotten us... Even in a hotel in China. I have no doubt that when God calls He equips. And He will bless you for your obedience!

    Spend some time in Isaiah 43-48.. So many beautiful verses.. I will leave you with this one for now:

    "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweet over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give you Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba for your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, because I love you."
    ~Isaiah 43:2-4

    My prayer will be that God continues to give you peace like a river. One day Libbie will understand why your traveled half way around the world to bring her home.. What a gift you are giving her! The gift to know that the God who created her loves her! And, that she is fearfully and wonderfully made!

    Blessing to you and your family from Minnesota!

    ~Diana

    ReplyDelete
  17. Lamberts, If there is any family on this earth that can handle something like this, it is yall. You will look back one day and know that you made the best decision of your life. God had this all planned out. Can't wait to see her.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hey Shelley, Kim Coker here...I know that God has a plan for you guys. I was telling Lesley that when we were in China it was the same way for us Kathryn would go to me, but wanted nothing to do with David for several days. It was that way with all of the families. Some clung to their dads while others clung to their moms. Eventually, it does change. I too remember the clothes issue. Kathryn was tiny as well and some of the stuff fell off of her. I bought outfits while in China. She's a cutie and I can't wait to meet her.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dear blog friend, I broke into tears when I reached the end of your post. I am crying even as I type this. God chose precious Libbey just for you. I know you are just what she needs. God chose you for a reason. I will be in prayer for your family.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I had a dream last night about her homecoming! I cried all the way through it because God provided a miracle in her life. No matter what, she is a miracle. I have you covered with clothes for a little bitty one! I have prayed since I heard about her non-affection for you. I have prayed her little heart will be softened. I'm glad you both chose God's way. He never said life would be easy. He just promises to carry us through every step of the way. I love you sweet friend. I can relate to your broken heart and fear. Lay back against Him and breathe. Always praying...

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh friend, my heart is racing. I am just catching up as I have very limited internet and have not been online for days. I cannot imagine all of the fears and emotions you all are going through. I am so proud of you though. I have been feeling so lost and everything you wrote about faith and the crossroads we face is such truth. I am praying for you and your beautiful girl.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I came here from Kim's blog. We too have a Libby. We adopted her through the non-special needs program. She had a skull condition that was so severe, our pediatrician looked at her referral skull measurements, and gently advised us that we had every right to turn down the referral. We were told she might very well go blind, and have severe delays. We brought her home, and 12 days later, our 17 year old son died in an accident. Then her surgery. It was so painful. She is now completely healed, which I can see might never be the case for your beautiful daughter. I tell you this, because I relate so much to your pain for her. It is so hard to watch a tiny new daughter suffer. But we have never, ever done anything for our family, that was better than adopting Libby. I tell her all the time that "We were missing someone, and it was you" We needed her! Your daughter will fill a hole in your family that was bigger than you knew. And it is clear that you've already fallen in love with her. It may take time--- our daughter had 6 hour night terrors for a year. But she will eventually trust you. And I know you will be grateful each day that you followed your heart, and God's will! She is just so adorable! Be brave. Hang on! I will say a prayer for you, and I will have my own little Libby say one too--- I think her little prayers are especially powerful ;)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Libbie IS your daughter, No doubt. God bless you and your journey. I will keep you and your family in my prayers:)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Another example of when love takes you in!!! You guys are stronger than you think, it's clear anyone would be fearful seeking answers and searching for peace. I'll add you and your family to my prayers and though we will surely never meet, know you are united with many other adoptive parents who continue to choose to trust in God and let their love for a child carry them through the dark hours they face.
    Kathleen
    Mom to two Chinese "wonder girls"

    ReplyDelete
  25. Coming here from Kim's blog, but as a Mom who was HATED by her newly adopted daughter that I had dreamed of, I can tell you, oh that rejection and hatred is HARD. 3+ years later, my little Katie LOVES me. Our bond is great, and I never fathomed that it could be this good while during those 2 weeks in China she loathed the sight of me. Heck, for 1 week home she loathed the sight of me...it took Daddy going back to work for us to start that tentative bond.

    Today? She's still Daddy's girl through and through, but Mommy is loved and okay too...just not who she wants with her if she's going to the doctor for shots or if she's had a nightmare.

    Praying for your family as you navigate these waters of dealing with more special needs than you anticipated. {HUG}

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thank you Lord for your family saying yes to your precious daughter. She is beautiful and as the Lord says she is fearfully and wonderfully made! I once heard this saying that "God doesn't call the equipped He equips those whom He calls." I cannot wait to read all about the blessings that are to come and for the joy you all will share!
    Another note, I dreamed about our daughter as a first time momma for 3 years while we waited for referal only to have her love her daddy and reject me. I know that pain and heartache and I am sorry you know it too. However I am here to share with you that over time we bonded, fell in love and attached securely. Her and my hubby are 2 of Gods greatest gifts to me. Our daughter is over the moon in love with her momma now. All those early days that were so hard are now behind us. Praise God for that. I pray that God fills you with grace, patience and mercy while He knits you two together. Kindly, Connie (2ourbeloved.blogspot.com)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Shelley,

    I marveled throughout your post. I felt your raw emotions even through your words. I felt your desperation and your quest for answers. I loved how you came to "why not us?" seriously, why wouldnt we? If God went through SO MUCH work to get you to Libbie (10 years!) If He began this great work in you, why wouldnt He finish it? YOU are His precious creation and so is Miss Libbie! Have you head the song "Why Wouldnt I?" It rings true right now, 'Why wouldnt I travel so far, to be where you are, to call you my own...?"

    Many Blessings,
    Sara

    p.s. Libbie is DARLING!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Others have said it better than I, but this past December I traveled with out my DH to adopt our 3rd child a 6 yo - she hated me, raged all over China.. rejected me.. it was horrible. Fast forward 2 months home and she throws her arms open wide - says "I love my Mommy this much" it wasn't easy (and it was much quicker than I expected) it was walking the walk every minute... believe this child was meant to me mine no matter what.. even if she hated me. She doesn't .. and with all we face, I can never regret the decision or the outcome. We will send prayers your way..

    Missy

    ReplyDelete
  29. I'm here from Kim's blog too.

    Wow. I can't think of anything that could be more encouraging than all the awesome comments you have already received. I will tell you that we made a choice to adopt our son 6 years ago when I was sure there was something wrong. There was however I can honestly say that God has never ever been nearer to me or worked more in me than he has through our amazing, brave, sweet little guy. He must love you so much to choose you as the family to your Libbie.

    sending hugs & prayers.

    ellie

    ReplyDelete
  30. Here from Kim's blog....what a huge decision your family has made. He did choose your family for a reason. I am awed and inspired by your faith in Him....your trust in Him. Please know that I am praying for your family. I will write you in my prayer journal and continue to follow your blog so that I might know your future prayer needs.

    Big hugs to you my new friend and just know that she will not always be a Daddy's girl...give her time. I went through the same thing with our Emma, so know that I am here for you if you ever need a shoulder!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Here from Kim's blog, too. What a precious angel baby...God bless you and your family. How blessed you both are to have each other. I am humbled by your tremendous faith....I just know the Lord will bless you for trusting him. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

    Blessings,
    Monica

    ReplyDelete
  32. Your blog was sent to me by The Princess's Mommy..Your family is truly blessed. What an amazing story of faith. I was so touched when I read about your true sense of Peace that you felt when you took that leap of Faith. When we follow God's plan and not our plan He provides you Peace and comfort.

    We will be in prayer for your family.

    Blessings,
    Becky

    ReplyDelete
  33. I am here from Kim's blog as well. First I want to say Congratulations on your very beautiful Libbie! And, secondly I want to thank you for sharing your heart in this difficult post. We traveled to Korea to bring Tyler home and from day 1 he was a daddy's boy. It took a little time at home but now I hear "love you mommy" and "cuddle mommy". You are ALL in my prayers~

    Robin

    ReplyDelete
  34. My heart goes out to you because I know exactly how you are feeling in the depths of enormous greif and shock. I too dreamed of our daughter and imagined everything she would become in her life, her wedding day, her children, etc. Her special need was listed as club foot. When we finally got to China to meet her on December 28th, 2009 I knew something was wrong right away. Instead of the joy I had imagined for months, my first thought was "she looks like she has Down's Syndrome." The next few days it was all I could do to keep my mind off of my suspicions. When we got to GZ, the "doctor" said to have her tested when we got home. By this time, my husband had gone back to the US to be with the other kids and I was alone in China. I went through a mix of emotions during the next year and there are days when I don't think I'll ever fully get over my feelings of betrayal and "why us?". At least I can ask the Lord every day (sometimes several times a day) to lead me and help me be a good and loving mother to her. Again, my heart is with you during this time and the times to come. Peek in at my blog if you feel so inclined. Violet is our daughter and she is wonderful. Beauty from ashes, my friend. :)

    ReplyDelete
  35. I heard about you from Kim. This is a great story. Libbie is adorable and I got chills when I read your post. God bless you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  36. Looking forward to hear about your return home. Prayers for an easy transition.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Just saw a link to your blog from 3 Peanuts. I came over to see her walking video and decided to stay a bit and read about your adoption journey. Those never get old! I happened upon this post and I just want to echo what Kim said in her 1st comment here: GOD WILL BLESS YOUR FAITHFULNESS.

    And your transparency no doubt will speak to others. When we met our DD, she was gravely ill but this was related to her complex CHD which we knew about. Her paperwork was quite accurate; we just didn't know how bad her heart had become. We brought her home no matter what the outcome and today, 2 1/2 years later she is such a joy, so healthy and we can't imagine life without her.

    Fast forward to last summer when we met our two newest sons in China. Well our 5YO was very delayed. We expected it but I was so SCARED. We had at one point planned to make two trips (b/c CCAA was going to require it) for our boys (me going for our 5YO and DH going for our 10YO), but God protected us (really me) b/c I could not have handled it alone.

    I was so scared and feeling like we couldn't meet our 5YO son's needs. So much unknown, some obvious physical needs we weren't told about and just the delays. Well I just want to tell you 8 months later he is like a different child in so many ways. I can see your DD is already proving the experts wrong and I can't wait to check back in and see how she is doing.

    I applaud you and your DH for taking the road less traveled and I hope your story speaks to many who may find themselves in similar shoes. If only they knew … that is what I want to say to people … if only you could see what a blessing these children will be.

    No it isn't always easy but parenting never is.

    ReplyDelete